Have I come too far to turn around?
A year almost comes to a close. I and everybody survived yet another apocalypse. The earth didn’t end this year. I feel pity for those who died on 21 December; they will not be able to know that the world doesn’t ends yet. It might ends someday, but not so soon, not in this generation. What is ended instead is the Twilight saga and The Dark Knight series too. I’ve ready a lot of book (mostly fiction) this year. Only one book that I read published in 2012. Friends leave and I have lived with that. I hate school but next year this will be final. I gonna finish my book soon, and begin to write another book. Green Day’s 3 new album blew to others people but I think otherwise. They’re still awesome! How I Met Your Mother almost come to a close. Ted Mosby’s gonna reveal how he met his wife. Life doesn’t stop for anybody…
I wish I would stop the time, stop the world from moving. Right this minute I am a teenager but just a few blink of an eyes I’ll be wake up somewhere in the future, old, tired.
That thought terrified me.
Today as I write this on my laptop I am alone and hungry and eager to make a different. Instantly I just want to go out by myself on New Year Eve and meet new people. Hang out and celebrate with total strangers at the bar somewhere. I felt like I’m in deep with the wrong people (like Bruce Wayne said.) The people that I know (or made an acquaintance) here kind of like a co-worker instead of friend. I’m not lonely, I’m not lonely. But I am alone, independent and scared.
(the fault in our stars; the only book that published this year that I had read.).
I stay single because I don’t want to mess-up someone’s life just because I just want somebody: anybody, to cradle in bed. And to be with whom I don’t actually loved and then have to break-up with them. It is hideous, time consuming and I would miss a chance with hundreds of girls if I already have committed to an unloved one. Considering my age and my lifestyle I just thought it perfect, for now.
What if; I know I’m entering to the era of cliché again, What if I’d be with the right person or people. I would have had a trip with them. Just what I wanted but now I am surrounded myself with a bunch of people whose value this thing so impossibly less. They’re all like, ‘Nah, I’m going to stay home and counting a minute down to new year on Facebook.’ And those who are always have an indecisiveness, can’t made up his mind until time up and all the places are full. All these things makes me wanted to quit and stepped out of the scene of the unaware-selfishness, luck-sucker, senior-worshipper: university.
As I mentioned earlier, next year will be the last year of study for me and beginning of the new life. This is not the time to looking for new, sincerely friend. But these people in my faculty that I talked to or went to a movie with, definitely made me feel misfit. Maybe it just me who picked this people. Me who choose to study in this infamous university. Me who blogged to complain because I can’t just go straight-forward like this in front of people I know. I have gone too far to turn back around. I can see the finish line up ahead and just a few extra push will make me there.
I decided to skip the commencement once I finished this architecture degree. I would be a hobo with philosophy, travel to teach myself and see the real world. How people and where people actually lived. Throw away some vaguely method I’ve been taught in university and putting on the new soul. I should remove this soul after graduate, this sticky, hideous, untrustworthy: I wear them like the rest of the student here. I’m so ashamed of myself for doing this.
And finally have to ...
off the things I can't control...
An anxiety about not getting any good before I reach the certain age that perfectly fit for the word middle life. And I definitely got to have a mid-life crisis. I’m no gone too far at all. Why can’t I just pass this finish line with something else, something greater than a certification of this fucking university. I made a mistake but I’m learning from it. I learn to hate it and learn to take the advantages from the downside of my four-year studied. This is only one out of many part of my life. (Who says my life split into parts?) I not sure about what the next part is going to be, maybe a hobo with philosophy who travel recklessly across the world using parents money, freelance architect, maybe a columnist but I don’t see myself selling my soul for a company that I have to clock-in, clock-out which has no end to this. And that might be the end of the world for me. I would die.